Unexpected art show right before i start nursing school.
woulda kicked buckets over to get more art shows a couple of years ago.
instead i plodded through pre-requisites for nursing school while crying in the backyard about my dead art life, crying about whether or not i’d get in to nursing school. tears of a clown.
good Lord, i’m dramatic. perhaps a brat.
i've had a feeling come over me these past years that I’m not used to:
I like my life.
ssssshhhh, what? me?
but the real feeling is driving to the YMCA in my car and thinking, how come we only start enjoying what it means to be in the thick of life once we get old enough to realize we’re gonna drop dead at any moment/receive the ONLY OTHER terminal diagnosis we hadn’t already googled in the parking lot.
i don’t have a diagnosis yet, i’m not implying anything. i will let you know when that diagnosis comes, because at some point i’ll have something to let you know about. there's no way i’ve made it this far without some damage done.
for now, i just keep being some lucky asshole that is healthy and growing and still finding things to complain about.
i mean, how can you stand me? are you still reading th-……….
since i like my life now, i should turn that around; the complaining.
and if i like my life now, i’m attached.
if i like my life now, i’m invested.
i like my life now, so i’m vulnerable.
depressed, happy, there’s no escaping this fucked up system: get in, get some, get kicked out. i coulda been sad forever and not cared that life ends, but suffered through it all regardless.
i get happy, worry how it ends and suffer through the losses.
this evening at the opening of my recent show I spotted my husband and daughter through the window before they arrived. her dress is too small but it’s her favorite, non-negotiable.
i’ve been there, remember that black velvet i wore ages 25-29? to karaoke even?
she’s so small to his large, but they have the same walk.
she came in and threw her hands out to my show, “these are our paintings”!
they’re not, they’re mine.
but don’t we love that feeling, when the people that love us join us, claim us.
i see this in the faces I know and love walking in the door. these are “our paintings”
our biting dogs
our failed startups
our return to school, work, life, church, exercise, whatever
our bad habits
here we are. together. getting ready to die, not knowing how to own it.
what beautiful company we are in.