this spring I passed in some new work. not many people liked it. that's why i'm not including photos. hahahahhahahhahahhahahhahhah! that photo up above? it wasn't part of the new work, it's doing that stand in thing, I'm using it right now to quote, "okay, what now?"
every time i finish a body of work, that is the looming question, "okay, what now?"
i try to avoid it with lots of true crime podcasts and bad reality t.v.
i have a lot of private conversations with myself about painting. these are dark and unfinished; in my shower and car just like every one of you and your weird neuroses.
i don’t invest in expensive enough soap products to make up for these tense monologues: “I think I figured it out….", scrub scrub, loofah, loofah, herbal essencesssssssssss
i have to confess that i have TWO cars, (like a rich person, but not).
my old car has been listening to this back-and-forth since 2010. She tunes me out: "I’m sorry I spilled a latte on you and never cleaned it up and now the milk has spoiled and i can smell it all over the passenger seat that I never sit in. I’m sorry I keep smoking inside of you without fixing your burnt out tail light, you are my comfort cocoon and you deserve better than that” beep beep, signal signal, parkkkkkkkkkking spot.
my NEW car thinks i have my shit together: no smoking, no cursing. Just a lot of happy meal intake demand from a two year old that expects a good car wash once a week. So, i’m the shower and the old car.
But, I think that people might think I am the new car.
I am not the new car.
Back in january, i hadn't sold a painting in over a year. my recent body of work was not received well. I have no shows lined up for the first time in nearly twenty years.
i mean, like, it’s pretty old car out here.
I was telling Josh last night:
I said that I would let go of art so I can pursue nursing,
I lied, I think I can do both.
I have not let go of art while I pursue nursing. I’m TRYING to do both.
if anything, i find myself holding the art closer while I invest all my energy into school.
this scares/confuses me.
wait, do i want it all?