Scientists are a different breed than I am used to. I am surrounded by them these days as I inch slowly closer to a nursing degree. I crawled my way in to the best cohort of four this quarter though. without these other three I’d be lost and strung out. they know a lot more than I do, but in a weird way.
- none of them use highlighters or draw diagrams. (wtf, that's so weird).
- They always want to drive in a car to get coffee, even if it’s a stones throw away; A car is always more efficient.
- Explanations come in bullet points and abbreviations, so when i text with them i find that my specially selected gifs are more trouble than they are worth because they are usually met with SILENCE, or, “what do you mean, are you gonna be there on time or not?”. i mean, wtf, i’m specifically typing in ’science study time/clock funny’…..
one of them said the other day, “ugggghhhh I hate art.”
i mean, i kind of do too. . . . and, what a relief! art never comes up unless we have to diagram our microscope studies!
i sit in lab-and-lecture and all that is required of me is to report and remember.
i’ve not done that before. my world has always been to report, remember, reinterpret, reticulate, reflect, recreate onto canvas or paper what might not be clear to everyone else around me.
what if all I have to do is show up and learn things that make sense?
art is not linear and my right brained heart loves that.
Now, science is seducing my left hemisphere like a neglected twin. like, learn this shit and get somewhere (anywhere)!
right brain has dictated the past twenty years : feel more and just stay in those feelings.
well, FUCK right brain.
i wanna be with the cool brains, they’re so Left.
Hospice, to be blunt, is death.
Feels disrespectful to express my excitement to be a part of this.
But, think of all the people I will meet! I really mean that.
Think of the people I will meet. what an incredible period in someone’s life to get to know them. what an honor.
I need to understand the biology behind the loss of life. I can’t bring feelings into this biology.
I need to understand the psychology behind the loss of life. I need to bring my feelings into this psychology.
I grew up believing in a faith that took the fear out of the unknown of this experience. But i am older and more confused and my fear touches clearly on the unknown of this experience. So, when I drive around doing errands and think about what my life will look like without my mom, i crumble.
ughhh, i just want to be a scientist and hate art and distance myself from emotions and drink less coffee (etc.), quit smoking, get really good grades and not spend the majority of my time plotting out paintings based on every motherfucking thing i learn about in class like a dumb, emotional, non-scientistic freak…….
all the science is giving me a complex: the goal is supposed to be, simply, an A.
BUT, how do i paint now with a knowledge that breaks down my impulses into developmental stages?
AND, what’s the point of feeling anything when our skeleton suits are literally fending off pathogenical death every time we stop for coffee?
i plan to earn enough hard-ass A’s to distance myself from the pains we endure as we expire.
but the truth is, I’ll spontaneously cry enough in the slow science-wing elevator to retain my emotional connection to the pains we endure as we expire.
so, a balance that will make me a great nurse.